InsaneJournal

I hate myself

I hate myself for leaving my window open for you at night.

I hate myself for waiting desperately to hear your soft footsteps on the carpet.

I hate myself for the shy smile that spreads on my lips as you put a warm hand on my shoulder and kiss my exposed neck from behind.  

I hate myself for letting you guide me to the bed wordlessly and for not protesting as you gently remove my shirt and breeches.

I hate myself for the unbearable need I feel when you get rid of your own clothes and trinkets.

I hate myself for the weak sighs that I can’t stop as you leave kisses on parts of my body I’m well trained to ignore.

I hate myself for opening my legs wantonly to let you take me,

claim me, mark me,

love me.

You do love me, don’t you?

Don’t you…

I hate myself for crying out in ecstasy as you push inside me with one deliberate thrust.

I hate myself for letting you make me forget who I am – who I should be – by hitting hard against that hidden spot inside my body.

I hate myself for clinging to you as if to dear life as I let you chase me to the end of the world and for whispering your hated name as I fall over the edge, pulling you with me.

Why do I have to feel complete in your arms?

Jack…

I hate myself for already fearing the moment when you get dressed to leave me again. And I know I won’t stop you.

I hate myself for wishing you would perish at sea and never come back to haunt me with teasing moments of bliss in a lifetime of lies and pretences.

I hate myself for not using your momentary weakness to stab you in the back with my dagger and stop you from abandoning me again.

But it’s no use, is it? You’ll leave anyway. You don’t belong to me, never will.

You’re free.

And make me pay for your freedom with shackles I can’t shake off.

But one day, when I’m dead – at your hands, Jack…

then you’ll inherit my chains

and I will be free…