InsaneJournal

One letter at a time

Not the best start, but it will do.

Some love stories are printed on fine paper, some told by the fire on winter nights, others only whispered about and frowned upon in the tavern. But there are love stories that are only seen by the sea and sung about by the wind on stormy nights.

You have been friends for most of your lives. You have been born into different circumstances, different families – he as a merchant’s bastard son, you into nobility –; you have been born in different places, different countries – he in a dark alley in Paris, you in your family’s luxurious residence in the English countryside. He has been working at his mother’s side from the time he could walk until her early death; you have been educated by the best teachers and introduced into the life of your parents’ fine circles.

You couldn’t have been more different. You couldn’t have been more apart. You shouldn’t have met. But you did. The love for the wild and untameable sea that you shared brought you together.

After his mother’s sudden death, his father, who had always fervently denied to have shared his bed with his young, English maid, and had thrown the girl out once it became clear she was with child, for once showed mercy on his abandoned son and arranged for the 10 year old boy a passage to England and an employment as sailor on an English ship. The boy didn’t know anything of the sea but learned fast and soon developed more skill and accuracy than those who had been at sea for years. Soon, sailing the coastline of England wasn’t enough anymore. He longed for the open sea.

He was 13 when he got on the HMS Maelstrom – the name had excited him terribly –, under Captain McTeash, who was known for having crossed the ocean to Jamaica and back more often than any other man. That’s where he met you.

That was your first voyage with McTeash, too, though you had been in the Navy for years. You had been yearning for the sea for a long time after the first time you had seen it one summer. It had taken you quite some time to persuade your mother to let you go, and your father to give up on the idea of arranging a marriage between you and the neighbour’s young daughter, Elizabeth. Luckily your brother, Joseph, had stood up for you and had helped you to live your dream.

You had found happiness out at sea and had proved to be an exceptional seaman. By the age of 16 you had achieved more than most and had managed to become McTeash’s second Lieutenant, though he was famous for giving everybody on his ship a position one or two ranks below his actual worth, but no one dared to complain, he was not a man to endure being defied easily. Yet, you were looking forward to the voyage.

That’s where you met him.

“Watch where you’re going, sailor.”

“Excuse me, sir. I wasn’t paying attention, I’m too excited to be out at sea again.” Huge, shining eyes. A broad, apologetic smile.

“It’s all right, Nothing happened. But take care, the Captain is not known for his leniency.”

“I’m no fool and I’m better at my work than anyone on this ship.” Anger in proud eyes.

“I know.” Confused silence. “I’ve been watching you. You’re good.” A light shrug.

“Been on ships for the last 3 years. The Maelstrom is different, though. I think she likes me.” A gentle caress on sea-worn wood.

“Yes, she is something special, our old lady.”

“Don’t call her old, she doesn’t like it. She’ll throw you into the sea at the next storm.” A mischievous grin.

“I beg your pardon, oh fair maiden, to have insulted you.” Laughter. “I’m James. James Norrington.” An eyebrow raised hesitantly. A slender, but strong, outstretched hand.

“Thomas Pullings.”  

He always looked up to you, though more because of your character and skills than your descent. You treated him as your equal, as much as possible on a ship with strict hierarchy, however, the fact that it was mostly due to your efforts that from a mere sailor he could become an officer and could climb up the ladder rather quickly upset him terribly. Even though he knew he deserved all he had achieved, he couldn’t shake off the feeling of being indebted to you. He wanted to pay you back your favours. And he did. On another ship. Under another, more cruel Captain.

“Why?”

“Shut up.”

“But…”

“Shhh. Just get on with it.” Muttered through gritted teeth. The healing salve cool on fresh, burning wounds. 5 lashes for something he didn’t do.

“Thank you.”

“We’re square now, Jamie.”

“We always have been.”

 

You have served on the same ships, under the same captains all your lives, even though he was always one or two ranks below you. It didn’t matter, though. It never even crossed your mind that he was inferior because of his birth and always stood up for him in front of your family and their snobbish friends.

 A slap. “What was that for?”

“I don’t need your protection. I’m fairly capable of standing upright in front of them no matter what they say.”

“I know.”

“Then why do you always have to interfere, Jamie?”

“I was just trying to help.”

A sigh. “I know. And don’t think I’m ungrateful. But you can’t always fight my battles for me.”

 Nobody believed your friendship would last. Your mother thought it was just a phase, your father actively participated in trying to destroy the bond you two had, and your brother looked at it with suspicion. But it did last. You were inseparable. And when he was suddenly positioned to the Caribbean, you followed him, despite your father’s anger and your mother’s tears.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t come with me.”

“Why not?”

“What? Leave your family and friends, and all you have just to travel to the other side of the world? How could I ask this of you?”

“I’m not doing it because you ask me. It’s my decision. You once asked me not to fight your battles for you. Now I’m asking you not to make my choices for me.”

Deep eyes shining with tears of gratitude. A tight embrace.

“You’re the most stubborn fool I’ve ever met, Jamie.”

“I know. But that’s why you love me.”

“Yes.” Only a whisper. Meaning so much more.

 He had been right. Jamaica was different from what either of you had ever known. But for him it was a change for the better. While your name meant as much as it had in England, especially since the governor was a good friend of your father, his circumstances didn’t pull him down as much as before. For the first time in his life he felt free of the shackles his parent’s had put on him, and soon he felt more at home in this new world than he ever had in the tight lipped, cold England. He loved the Caribbean and the challenges of the harsh sea, and easily adapted to the new circumstances. But you suffered in the heat and easily caught minor illnesses in the first couple of years.    

 “He’s burning. Where the Hell is that bloody doctor?” A gentle, slightly shaking hand pressing a cool, wet cloth to a burning, sweaty forehead.

“He’ll be here in time, don’t worry, dear.” Molly’s patient, calming voice seeping through a thick mist of fever.

A big yawn stifled quickly.

“You should lie down, dear. The guestroom’s prepared for you, as always.”

“No.” Another yawn. “What if his fever goes up again? What if we need to call the doctor once more? What if he wakes up and I’m not here? He’ll think…”

“That you were tired, and needed some sleep after sitting at his bed for three days. Now, shoo, I’ll stay here with him.”

“But…”

“No… use fighting… her, Tom.” A weak, rasped whisper.

“Jamie? Jamie you’re awake.” A tight, crushing embrace. “Oh, God, don’t you dare scare me so much again.”

It took you some time but you did adapt to the climate eventually, though the aching in your chest on rainy nights stayed with you ever since. You were happy, though, despite everything. Sailing the sea on your own ship as Captain, with him as your first Lieutenant was everything you’d ever dreamt of. Feeling the excited trembling of your ship whenever you left the port, the wind in your hair, the waves crushing against the deck on a stormy night, the chill down your spine just before attacking a pirate ship. It was life. No matter how cruel sometimes. It was still life.

“TOM! No, don’t move. You two, take him to my cabin. Andrew, fetch the doctor. NOW!!” Blood. A faint, forced smile. Lips opening to say something but blood drowns the words. Choked coughs. Pain. “It’s all right, I’m here. I’m here.” A strong, slightly trembling hand gently closing around violently shaking ones.

Silent sorrow in an old man’s eyes.

Fear. “He will make it, won’t he? He has to…”

“Oh, yes, he will, don’t worry, my boy, Captain. He had luck. If that cut was only slightly higher… I’m not sure I could have saved his eye then.” Shudder. “Oh, don’t worry, he’ll be fine. As good as new once completely healed.” A kind smile on a wrinkled face. “He’ll need a lot of rest, though. Does he have a wife or–“

“I will take care of him.” Searching eyes. “My housekeeper is good with wounds. God knows, she had to take care of mine often enough.” 

A nod. “Very well.” A sad, almost apologetic smile. “I’m afraid it will scar, though. I did my best to prevent it but the wound is deep…”

“It doesn’t matter. As long as he’s alive.”

“For Heaven’s sake, Jamie, I’m not an invalid.”

“The doctor expressly forbade any physical strain–“

“These are stairs, Jamie, not a bloody mountain!”

“Jamie’s right, my dear, back to bed with you.”

“That’s not fair! You can’t conspire against me!”

“Oh, yes we can, young man, it’s for your own good. Now shoo, or I won’t even let you close to the pie I made for you.”

Determined scowl on an old, wrinkled face. A pout on a pale, scarred one. Suppressed laughter in green eyes.

 
You have been at each other’s side through good and worse, no matter what, giving all you had, expecting nothing in return. You grew up together, like brothers, like best friends, and confidants. Nothing could separate you, not your social differences, not your father, not your brother, no illness, no wound – sometimes you almost believed not even death. But he knew better, didn’t he? He knew there was one thing that could ruin everything.

Love.

He loved you.

He had to find out just how fine the line between love and friendship really was. It must have come as a great shock to him when he realized that it was not just brotherly affection and camaraderie he felt for you. He must have been terrified. Terrified to lose you. So he kept silent.

 
Green eyes suddenly looking up from the pages of the open book, catching silvery blue ones looking.

“What?”

Embarrassed blush. A muttered “Nothing.” Soon the constant sound of a knife on soft wood ceases and after the loud sound of a blade falling to the ground the door opens and closes with a loud bang. On the table a small ship carved out of wood. Not yet ready, but beautiful. On the side a name. Dauntless.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Why do you think something’s wrong?” The waves lazily caressing the soft sand of the small, hidden cove.

“Are you angry with me? Did I do something?” Hurt sadness in the deep voice.

“What makes you think that?” Eyes not meeting eyes but firmly directed at the horizon.

“You’re avoiding me.” Silence. “Tom, please, tell me what’s wrong. If I did something… I… I can’t bear to see that you’re drifting away…”

A deep sigh. Blue locked with green. A long silence. Lips open and close again. A defeated shake of the head. A humourless chuckle. A secret. The first in all those years.

“It’s nothing. I’m just… tired, I guess. I should go away for a while. I haven’t been on holiday since we arrived here.”

“Yes, a break from all this might do us good.”

“Us?”

“Well, of course. I’m coming with you.”

“Why?” Confused silence. “I mean… why would we go together?”

“I don’t understand you, Tom. I mean, we’re friends–“

“So?”

“Tom, where are you going? Wait!”

“Why is it so difficult to understand that I don’t want you to come with me?” A voice louder and angrier than intended.  

“But we do everything together.”

“Why? Why should we live our lives strapped to each other like twins?”

“Because we’re friends. And that’s what friends do, they share everything with each other.”

“No, that’s what lovers do!” Deadly silence after the loud shout. Then the sound of feet running away.     

“James.” A tentative whisper from behind. A familiar voice. A sudden tight embrace. Then a happy smile on both faces.

“Bastard. How dare you be away for so long. Without a word, without a note after…” Guilt on a scarred face. Silent understanding. No need to talk about what happened last time. “Where have you been?”

“Well, here and there. There’s a lot to see around here.” An amused chuckle. “What?”

“Nothing, I just never thought I’d see the day when Tom Pullings loses his terrible, English paleness.”

“And that’s coming from the man who’s whiter than his wig?” Laughter. Just like in old times.

“I mean it, Tom. You look good.” A friendly hand on a strong shoulder. “Are you feeling better?”

A nod. A faint smile. “I’m fine. I just needed to clear my head, that’s all.” 

“Won’t you tell me what–“    

“Do you think we could persuade Molly to make that delicious pie of hers in celebration of my return?”

On the surface, nothing changed. You were still best friends, but there was this gap between you. He had a secret. A secret that you didn’t know – or just carefully ignored. He himself changed too. He was more open, more confident and louder in flirting with the women. They all loved him. His scar repelled them at first but he made up for it in jokes and mischievous smiles. He was your complete opposite when it came to women. The ladies were always more interested in you at first, partly because of your higher position, partly because of his scar. But they soon realized his praising words suited their vanity better than your serious silence. It didn’t disturb you, though, you weren’t interested in easily given gifts and just smiled at his conquests, like an older brother would. You never talked about what happened before he went away, did you? He carefully locked his heart away and convinced himself that your friendship was enough, that being at your side in battle and defying the violent storms of the sea together was enough, that he didn’t long to taste your lips – just once.

Don’t.

But he never said a word. No matter how brave he was in fighting pirates, he was terrified of losing you. He would have kept silent for ever. It could have gone on like this until the ends of time. But something happened that changed everything.

A little girl grew up.

“Ah, James, my boy. Or should I say, Commodore? And Captain Pullings. I’m so glad you both could make it. I hope my little party won’t keep you from anything important, but one should always make time for a bit of amusement, even you James. But I don’t have to tell Mr. Pullings about that, do I.” Laughter. Embarrassed silence. “Come, come meet my daughters. They have just returned from England, two weeks early, mind you. They say they missed me too much, but I suspect they just couldn’t bear the food in my sister’s house anymore. Am I right, Mary?” A gentle smile on a beautiful, young face. Deep blue eyes shining even more than her golden blonde hair in the brightly lit room. A whirlwind of feather and heavy brocade and both men find themselves in a tight hug. “I’ve missed you both so much. Did you eat properly? I forgot to tell Molly to take good care of you two.”

“Now, Mary, I don’t think this is the best place to show such…” Cough. “…affection. Let them breathe, for Goodness’ sake, my dear. Now, I wonder if you remember my younger daughter, Sarah.”

“I’ve met your brother and his wife in England.” A pale, slender hand desperately trying to control long, blond locks,paler than her sister's, in the violent wind coming from the open sea.

“You did?”

“They’re very nice. They’re son is adorable. Such an adventurous little boy. He can talk of nothing but the sea.”

“I’m afraid he must have that from his mother, then.” Shared smiles.

“Yes, I think he does. She longs to come here. To see her son running around freely in the soft sand.”

“Yes, she was always very excited when we met. I was her link to the sea I guess. I haven’t seen them in years.”

“She misses you, you know. She really wants to see you. She said, she’d talk to her husband about moving here for a couple of months at least.”

“Well, I’d better start looking for a nice home for them, then. If anyone could possibly persuade Joseph to set foot on a ship, then it’s Elizabeth. He could never say ‘no’ to his lovely wife. He was always strict and unyielding when it came to business or expectations to others but she had him wrapped around her little finger from the very first second.”

“And you?” Eyebrows raised in confusion.